Friday, March 13, 2009

"Sorry Sir, Doing My Best"

Today shall be remembered, a day of epiphany. The vision: I am a dyslexic heart asshole when it comes to picking up women. Case in point, my often aggressive, self-assertive style of never being wrong (but usually in hindsight, find I am way wrong on some deeper level.) So long story short. I go downtown to get a haircut at the usual barber shop only to find it closed. Fuck. I really need a haircut, the hair on the side of my head is long enough to make my head look 2 sizes too large for my body. Remembering that a Great Clips just opened down the road, I stroll in for a quick haircut.

I'm not one to be picky about my haircut, just buzz the shit off & make my head look proportionate to my body. I realize the canvas that is my face does not give much to work with, so just make me look slightly better than a baboon's ass & I'm happy. The canvas that is my face is more in line with a Picasso, only beautiful to those who can see through the jumble of shit that composes it.

So I am greeted by a cute girl, hair stylist. For some reason, hair stylist have this extraordinary cuteness, driven by their own uniquely styled hair & fashion-mod sense. Or maybe they are cute cause I know they'll be rubbing my head in a few minutes. Regardless, this girl was exceptionally "cute" and super friendly.

And here is where it all goes downhill. She simply asks for my name and phone number to put in the computer and I resist like a P.O.W. with jumper cables clamped to his testicles. I only give out name, rank, & serial number, I know this shit, I've been trained to kill. Really, whoever is the marketing douche who thought of this years ago, I say "Fuck you" I hate getting spammed either by email, phone, or shitty mail flyers that just end up contributing to the trash heap that is pushy marketing. But the cute girl plays it off like its not spam, just a way to know something, like your haircut or god knows what. So they crank the power up & the battery cables sizzle my nuts, but I resist & say "John Doe", sounds good.

Having obviously made more of a production out of this than is necessary, I get my haircut, & in the process talk with this lovely girl who is new to the area (hint #1), talks about dating (hint #2), asks me if I'm married with kids (umm, no) (hint #3), etc. She spends way more time than is necessary to make me look pretty, a losing battle really, & I feel so douchenozzlish, that I give her my name, phone, blood type, & all the secret plans for invasion I had so direly resisted initially. Feeling like a huge dick, I give her a $5 tip for a $10 haircut, take my shrivelled & dejected balls out the door, & that's when I have my epiphany.

That girl was making nice, almost too nice, & I was a total dickbag. God I'm an asshole when it comes to picking up the signs. I walk over to the grocery store & can't stop thinking, "what an asshole", "what an asshole". If I had just given her my fucking name, I could have then hinted at asking her out, but no, Mr. Anti-Marketing, Anti-Man, you fucking blew it! What an asshole. Have fun jerking off tonight instead of taking cute hair stylist girl on a date. "What an asshole".

"How many assholes we got on this ship anyhow?"


Lester said...

No worries Dan, she was just after the $5.......and you fell for it.

Ignacio Moore said...

just go back and talk to her, don't be afraid you douchebag... actually Lester is right!