Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Beer Mondays & The Shoelace Knot Syndrome

Oh Fudge. That is the only way to describe waking up on Tuesday after blitzing your liver Monday night. And why did I do this again I keep asking myself the next day. Cause there ain't much else to do in Blacksburg when it is rainy/snowy/windy all at the same time at night. After seeing Religulous & feeling assured that my soul will forever burn in hell for even viewing this movie, I thought no time like the present to further my impending damnation. Drinking way too many beers seemed like the appropriate way to go to Hell in a Bucket .

And that bucket was lined with one too many beers & some stupid Drinking & Texting. I need to put a Breathalyzer on my cell phone so I don't do this dumb shit (of course someone has already found out how to do this, so fuck me for thinking I had an original thought). First let me be clear, the Captain does not condone drinking & driving, or any such animal. One of the main selling points when I purchased my house was that it is on the bus route so I could get royally shit-faced free of any dependency of me driving afterwards. Sure you might say that's a red flag for being an alcoholic, I argue it's called being responsible. If more people had this mindset, there would not be so many unnecessary car accidents & injuries. Better yet, while we are on the subject, lets just replace those cars with bikes. Drinking & bike riding is a comical mode of transport at best. I give you exhibit A:

But back to the title and away from my defense of being a winter boozehound. The shoelace knot syndrome is that annoying head split after one too many beers finished off by a Jimmy John's sub with onions, no mayo please, I am still following my diet, thank you very much (well not counting all the beer calories).

Overnight, if you do not properly rehydrate, the shoelace knot will grow in your mind & next morning you awake to the squinty eyed, head split pain that only this lethal combination brings. The onions are key cause no matter how much you brush your teeth, the onions taste is regurgitated into your mouth & nasal cavity with every stinking morning breath. This is probably why I am still single.

And that leads us to: "the shoelace knot" is that super tightened knock that you can never undo from your laces, expect it is your brain that is knotted. You pick at it with your fingernails. No dice. Next you dig at it with a fork. Still not budging. You find a thin nail to pry at it. Nope, nothing. So you get impatient & say, fuck this, and cut it out with scissors, only to realize now you shoe is all loose & won't stay on your foot and who the hell keeps spare shoelaces anyway?

And that is what is going on inside your beer swelled skull. A super tight knot that only lets you know how much of an asshole you were the night before. Unfortunately there is no way to untie your brain & so you must live with the fact that after another stupid, drunken night, you have not learned your lesson. Still, it does beat Puking in the Kitchen Sink & missing the Duke football game.

No comments: